lesson 1: how to be a good friend
She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us.
-Cher
-Cher
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Cher: Would you call me selfish?
Dionne: No, not to your face.
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Cher: Tai, how old are you?
Tai: I'll be 16 in May.
Cher: My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice?
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lesson 2: the importance of family
You divorce wives, not children.
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Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kind of lawyer. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. And daddy's so good he gets $500 an hour to fight with people. But he fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.
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Cher: Daddy, this is my friend Tai.
Mel: Get out of my chair!
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lesson 3: what to wear (and what not to wear)
So, this flannel thing. Is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
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"She could be a farmer in those clothes."
-Amber
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Cher: Been shopping with Dr. Seuss?
Dionne: Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my back pack.
Cher: It's faux.
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Mel: What the hell is that?
Cher: A dress.
Mel: Says who?
Cher: Calvin Klein.
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lesson 4: how to sound smart
Cher: That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.
Josh: Do you even know what you're talking about?
Cher: Why, I sound like I do?
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Heather: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
Cher: Hamlet didn't say that.
Heather: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
Cher: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.
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Murray: Woman, lend me fi' dollas.
Dionne: Murray, I have asked you repeatedly not to call me "woman".
Murray: Excuse me, "Miss Dionne."
Dionne: Thank you.
Murray: Okay, but, street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones.
Tai: Wow, you guys talk like grown-ups!
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Dionne: Phat! Did you write that?
Cher: Duh. It's like a famous quote.
Dionne: From where?
Cher: Cliff's Notes.
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lesson 5: how to snag a hottie
"During the next few days, I did what any normal girl would do. I sent myself love letters and flowers and candy, just so he'd see how desired I was in case he didn't already know.
"Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.
"Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good."
lesson 5-b: what boys are like
"So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so."
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"Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie."
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lesson 6: how to get yourself out of an unpleasant situation in the classroom
Cher: I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to haul ass to the ladies.
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Mel: Which reminds me, where's your report card?
Cher: It's not ready yet.
Mel: What do you mean, "it's not ready yet?"
Cher: Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, "Never accept a first offer", so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.
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"I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA city bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy."
-Travis
-Travis
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Mr. Hall: So does anyone have any final thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton?
Elton: Yeah. I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it.
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Miss Stoeger! That machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
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lesson 7: how to justify being a virgin
Dionne: Cher's saving herself for Luke Perry.
Tai: Cher, you're a virgin?
Cher: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dionne: Besides, the PC term is "Hymenally challenged".
Cher: I'm just not interested in doing it until I find the right person. You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.
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lesson 8: how to be socially sensitive
It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said " 'tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people."
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Cher: I want to do something for humanity.
Josh: How about sterilization?
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Josh: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
Cher: Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from his busy pants dropping schedule to plant trees.
Josh: You know maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is...
Cher: Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Josh: Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
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Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence on the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.
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Josh: Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
Cher: Thank you Josh. I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again?
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Josh: Are you ok? You’re so quiet. You haven’t even made me watch the The Real World... You look confused.
Cher: Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.
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lesson 9: how to cope with heartbreak
Tai: It's my hips, isn't it?
Dionne: No, of course not.
Cher: Don't be stupid, you can do so much better.
Dionne: He thinks he's all that, Tai.
Cher: Yeah, God's gift.
Dionne: You're too good for him.
Tai: If I'm too good for him then how come I'm not with him?
Cher: I have an idea. Let's blow off seventh and eighth, go to the mall, have a caloriefest and see the new Christian Slater.
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lesson 10: how to drive
Dionne: Hello!? There was a stop sign.
Cher: I totally paused.
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Josh: You want to practice parking?
Cher: What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.
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Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.
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Mel: Would you tell me what the hell this is?
Cher: Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets. I don’t remember getting a first notice.
Mel: The ticket is the first notice! I didn’t even know you could get tickets without a license.
Cher: Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.
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lesson 10-b: what to do in the event of a vehicular accident
Oops! My bad.
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Oh! Should I write them a note?
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lesson 11: about dating and relationships
Would you look at that body language? Legs crossed towards each other.
That is an unequivocal sex invite.
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Christian said he'd call the next day, but in boy time that meant Thursday.
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Dionne: I'm the one who has to look at you! What am I gonna do with you now? And right before the yearbook pictures? What am I gonna tell my grandchildren? You know what? That's it!
Murray: That's it!
Dionne: You wanna play games?
Murray: You wanna play games?
Dionne: I'm calling your mother!
Murray: Wait! Don't call my mom!
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Murrray: Woman, why don't you be answerin' any of my pages?
Dionne: I hate when you call me woman.
Murrray: Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin' behind my back?
Dionne: Jeepin'? Jeepin'? No. But, speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension got into the backseat of your car.
Murrray: I don't know where that came from. That looks like one of your little stringy somethin' or an others you got over here.
Dionne: I do not wear polyester hair, okay? Unlike some people I know like Shawana.
Murrray: Why do you got to go there? Why do you gotta go there? Is it that time of the month again?
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"He does dress better than me. What do I bring into the relationship?
"
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lesson 12: how to gear-up your gay-dar
Christian had a thing for Tony Curtis so he brought over "Some Like it Hot" and "Sporadicus".
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Murray: Your man Christian is a cake boy!
Cher: A what?
Murray: He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm saying?
Cher: Uh-uh, no way, not even!
Murray: Yes, even; he's gay!
Dionne: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.
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lesson 13: health and first aid
I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice.
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Wasn't my mom a total Betty? She died when I was young. A freak accident during a routine liposuction.
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Cher: If it's a concussion, you have to keep her conscious, okay? Ask her questions.
Elton: What's seven times seven?
Cher: Stuff she knows!
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"Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring."
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lesson 14: how to be cool
Mel: So, what did you do in school today?
Cher: Well, I broke in my purple clogs.
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Tai: Hey, did you see that?
Cher: Ugh. Skateboards. That's like so five years ago.
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Christian: You like Billie Holiday?
Cher: I love him.
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lesson 15: how to party
Tai: Man, this party is ragin'.
Cher: Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.
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Rollin' with the homies...
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It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
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lesson 16: the best way to manage stress
Ew. My life is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.
I felt impotent and out of control.
Which I really, really hate. I had to find sanctuary in a place where I
could gather my thoughts and regain my strength...
I had an overwhelming sense of ickiness. Even though I apologized to Lucy something was still plaguing me.
Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.
... Ooh! I wonder if they have that in my size.
Like Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.
... Ooh! I wonder if they have that in my size.
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lesson 17: art appreciation
Tai: Do you think she's pretty?
Cher: She’s a full on Monet!
Tai: What’s a Monet?
Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess.
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Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972.
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lesson 18: how to tell if you're falling in love
"He dresses funny, he listens to complaint rock, he's not even cute in a conventional way... I mean, he's just like this slug that hangs around the house all the time! Ugh! And he's a hideous dancer, I couldn't take him anywhere. Wait a second, what am I stressing about? This is like, Josh...
"... Okay, okay. So he's kind of a Baldwin. What would he want with Ty? She couldn't make him happy, Josh needs someone with imagination, someone to take care of him, someone to laugh at his jokes in case he ever makes any... Oh my god! I love Josh! I'm majorly, totally, butt crazy in love with Josh! But now I don't know how to act around him. I mean normally I'd strut around in my cutest little outfits, and send myself flowers and candy but I couldn't do that stuff with Josh."
lesson 19: the importance of tolerance
Travis: OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn’t torment my Mom anymore, huh?
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Cher: Lucy you know I don’t speak Mexican
Lucy: I not a Mexican!
Cher: Great, what was that all about?
Josh: Lucy’s from El Salvador.
Cher: Like that matters.
Josh: Its an entirely different country.
Cher: So?
Josh: You get mad if someone thinks you live below sunset.
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So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all “What about the strain on our resources?” But it’s like, when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?
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lesson 20: how to deliver winning retorts
What. Ever!
Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged"?
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Amber: Was anyone else listening to that? I thought it reeked!
Cher: I believe that was your designer impostor perfume.
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Mel: I'd like to see you have a little direction.
Cher: I have direction!
Josh: Yeah, towards the mall.
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"Why should I listen to you, anyway? You're a virgin who can't drive."
-Tai
-Tai
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I was just totally clueless.
